Tag Archives: children

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The End?

Today is the last day of high school for my youngest child. Graduation is always an emotional time for me. It’s relief, it’s grief, it’s sadness, it’s joy.

I lost my mom in 2017. Every time my kids reach a milestone, I think of how proud she would have been. She loved seeing her grandchildren thrive and grow. She attended awards ceremonies and cheered them on in all of their endeavors. She would have been proud of my son.

Quick summary, I’m the mom of four humans. I stayed home with them for about ten years before tearfully returning to work after divorcing their dad.

Here we are. The last for the last.

I became a mother for the first time in 1999. Not that I’m ending motherhood, it just looks different, it feels different. I have enough of my own life that I don’t feel lost but beginning in the fall, the house will be quiet and still for extended periods of time not just the school day. beginning in the fall I won’t have kids to cook for or talk to.

It’s time to redefine me. Alicia.

What will I do in my free time? Because I know me, I will not sit around watching tv. I’ve considered pursuing a doctorate degree. At one point t I considered becoming a nurse.

A few weeks ago I meet with a team to discuss my real passion, postpartum support. As we talked, my vision turned into a plan that has developed into a business. The plan is to launch my company in the fall. So I’ll become a business owner. I’ll combine all of my passions, service, women, children, educations and community into one project to better serve those in need.

I’ll also attend as many of my son’s basketball games, he’s playing in college, as I possible.

Although the house will be empty my heart will still be full of the love I have for my children, my community and the guy I’m writing a book about.

Be light, be love, believe in yourself.

~ Alicia

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Bedtime stories for my daughter- Draw my hand

I took a short break from bedtime stories while my daughter was home from college. Now that she has returned, I’ll recommence.

The year was 2004 and it was an election year. The two kiddos were attending a mom’s day out and the mom was working there for the free tuition. She was willing to do that for her children. The already strained budget would not allow any additional expenses.

The mom had hoped her children would be prepared for school. She had already taught the oldest to read, some writing skills and basic math. But a three day learning program was also an opportunity for her to get out of the house, teach other children and bring in a bit of income.

That year, the two year old daughter was excelling in one particular skill. She could place her hand in any condiment and create a perfect hand print on her napkin. She did this so often the parents were confused and not at all amused.

They went as a family of four to vote. The mom and the five year old son had an impromptu civic lesson. At the same time, in an adjoining booth, the dad and the two year old daughter were having a disagreement.

As he held her in his arms, he began to fill out his paper ballot. She, seeing the paper and pencil emphatically stated, “Draw my hand!” He immediately replied, “No!” They went back and forth a couple of times until finally out of frustration and realizing the lack of understanding, she provided him with additional instructions.

“Daddy, you take that paper and that pencil and you draw my hand!” He refused and she was upset.

At the end of the Mom’s Day Out school year, the families received a book filled with a variety of hand prints and drawings from their child. It was definitely an aha moment. It all made sense.

Rumor has it, she is still trying to tell her father what to do and he is still saying, no.

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Except for Shawn

You know how people obsess over their first born? They take photos everyday of all the wonderful and cute things the first born does? They are extremely cautious and protective.

Have you seen those parents with more than two kids? That third child or in my case fourth child apparently didn’t exist until he was two. We had pictures from the day of birth and then nothing until his second birthday. It’s as though there was a moratorium on photographs during that time.

It all started when the kids and I were looking through old photographs. Remember when we took rolls film into the store to get them developed? As we looked and reminisced Shawn kept asking, “where are my baby pictures?” “Where are my baby shower pictures?” “Where are the pictures of you pregnant with me?”

How do you tell that baby you opted out of a shower? I had two baby showers or more with each baby, except for Shawn. There is only 15 months and a few a days between he and Josiah. How do you say, I was tired? I was too practical? It was a mistake? Friends and family offered to host a shower for me but I said no. The only thing I wanted and needed was a double stroller. I met with one friend and one family member at a restaurant where they presented me with the stroller. This definitely predates selfies. I’m not sure if we asked a waiter to take our picture.

Then one day a few years ago I put out an APB, I turned on the bat signal, I called, sent text messages asking friends and family to scour their photos to see if there were any pictures of Shawn. A few were located. I was relieved. I showed him the few that were sent to me. He have me that smile he gives when he’s excited but doesn’t want to show it.

I have lots of except for Shawn scenarios. All of the kids were vegetarian for the first 18 months except for Shawn. He was eating meat at six months. Everybody slept in their own beds as babies except for Shawn. I was exhausted so he slept with me to keep me from getting up in the middle of the night to feed him.

He’s not scarred for life over the exceptions. At least I don’t think he is. We have more than made up for the lack of pictures. Now it’s Josiah (third born) who I struggle to find photos of on my phone. He doesn’t seem care though.

Shawn at birth.

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Josiah’s Family Meeting

I could write a whole book on how events in my my childhood affect who I am as an adult and the decisions I make as a mom of four. My mother raised three children as a true single mom. There was not a dad around. It was just her. She made all the decisions and her decision was final.

Fast forward to today. I decided to have more of a democracy. Every family member is equal and has a say in all major and minor decisions. We recently took a trip to Maryland over the Christmas holiday. I asked everybody if they wanted to go. If one person had said no then we would have stayed home. We literally had a conversation about putting up Christmas decorations and specifically a tree. I could care less about a tree. They don’t like taking down decorations. We scaled it way back and with a compromise we put a metal tree with lights that’s meant for the yard up in the house. Don’t judge us. It worked. I have the final vote on major things like buying the house we are in now. Everybody went with me to look for houses. My daughter, Melody, wanted one house and even through a mild fit. I told her she could not see what I could see. I was not only buying a house but a neighborhood and a way of life. Living on a cul-de-sac three house from the neighborhood pool proved to be a great choice and worth less square footage.

All of that to say, anybody can call and conduct a family meeting in our house. Josiah had requested to hold one to discuss his new guidelines surrounding waking everybody up in the mornings. Now Josiah is the third child. He is a typical attention seeking, vivacious, charismatic middle child who also likes being punctual. His school bus arrives at 7:40 so he has the alarm set for 6 am.

He had taken on the responsibility of waking everybody up if they were sleeping too late. He’s done a fantastic job at this self appointed duty. He has helped his siblings, especially his sister and younger brother, make it to the bus just before it stopped and opened the doors. He has even saved the day by finding neighbors willing to give them rides when it seemed they would not make it on time. After a year and a half of this daily activity he resigned from the self appointed position because of the stress. He did not provide any notice. It was effective immediately.

After a couple of days he realized how much they had grown to depend on him to get out of the house. He was sympathetic to their plight. During the meeting he said they would each get one free wake up per month. Unfortunately Shawn had already used his. He also told them the unused ones would accumulate from month to month. There was much discussion and shouts of outrage an insult or two and threats of bodily harm. At some point I heard, “objection!” and somebody yelled “order in the court!” It may have been the same person. For some reason the oldest gets unlimited wake up calls because he has a car. That created another uproar among the other two. But it was a good strategic move. Stay on the good side of the person with the car.

In case you’re wondering why the oldest doesn’t take everybody to school on a daily basis, it’s because he has late arrival. He will take them if they have activities in the morning.

I truly feel like I’m helping them find their voices at an early age and most of all realize they are an important part of this family and I value their input and points of view. They might decide there was way too much discussion and not allow their children to have any input. I won’t be offended. Everybody has to walk their own path according to the influences in their lives.

Be well,

Alicia

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Fresh Squeezed Orange Juice

I came home from working out yesterday and saw my two youngest sons standing in the kitchen. The baby of my bunch (he’s 11) was holding an egg slicer with an unpeeled cutie in it over a cup and squeezing with all his might. I asked them what they were doing and they responded, “Making fresh squeezed orange juice!” My response was, “Well that’s not going to work.” I did wonder why they were putting so much effort into that when there’s a juicer sitting on the counter. Is that innovation or wasted energy? It’s hard to tell. Nevertheless I’ll pick up orange juice on my way home today.

Remind me to tell you about the family meeting we had last night.

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Walk with Me

There are a lot of duties and responsibilities that go along with raising children. As parents or guardians we try to impart our wisdom, morals, values, knowledge, culture, beliefs, political views, financial knowledge etc. It is an extensive list. 

One of the things I’m imparting to my kids is to walk with me. That sounds strange but let me tell you why.

I walk a lot. I walk for exercise. I walk to get vitamin D. I walk to relieve stress. I walk to commune with nature. I walk to get out of the office or house. I walk to contemplate. I walk to pray. Some walks are long. Others are intense. Then there are the times I walk with my children. 

We walk as a group to enjoy family time. Sometimes I walk with them individually. It’s during the solo times that I’m able to connect with them on a personal more intimate level as well as discuss my future expectations for them in regards to me. 

I’m not old but I’m not young. I’m at a good point in my life but the truth is I’m getting older. I’d rather face the facts rather than hide from them or deny them. I like having a plan or two in place. I don’t have anything written down but I do verbally share my expectations of how I want to be cared for, when I’m struggling to care for myself, with my children. 

The walks are a key component of that plan. Let me say this, they are typical kids and don’t always want to go on a walk with their mom. They moan and groan and ask, “why me?!” (Because you are the chosen one, now let’s go.) I have pre-walking negotiation meetings with them to determine which route? How far? How fast? Can I listen to music, ride my scooter run, bring some water? After we settle on the terms we head out. 

Back to the purpose and plan of the walk. When I’m older I want them to visit me and walk with me. “Walk with me when I’m old” is my request. Spend some time with me. Bring music I like to listen to now. I want to recreate fond memories of one of the things I love to do with the people I love being with. As we walk today I’m storing away memories that I hope to unlock in the future with something as simple as a walk. 

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The Unprotected

There is a portion of the population that feels unprotected

There are people out there who have decided to molest them

Molest use be defined as to bother, pester or harass 

Molest is now known as an assault or abuse of the sexual kind

The presumed statistics of occurrence are high

The chances of being traumatized are higher

Nightmares, fear, loneliness or worse

Not feeling worthy or capable of giving or receiving love

The victim feels victimized most often to young to process it

The perpetrator? Most likely a close friend or family member

What gives them the right?

We don’t make it wrong 

It becomes the family secret

Don’t tell, don’t think, become numb to it all

Guilt and shame with nobody to blame

Close your eyes squeeze them tight

Focus on today not those horrible days or nights

No justice, no peace

Many nights with no sleep

No trial no time served

Nobody gets what they deserve

The perp walks away

The victim has to stay 

Don’t cause a scene at the family functions

Yes, you have to attend

Aren’t you already on the mend?

Smile, be polite everything is alright

It happened once or twice 

You can still be nice

To many times to count?

Your mind won’t let you see the true amount?

It’s okay

You’ll be fine

 Just give it some time

Let’s never speak of this again

Even if it was a family friend 

Your brother

My father

The uncle on your dad’s side

The aunt we all love

The coach 

The teacher

The priest

The big sister

No matter the title

The feeling is the same

Unworthy, not cared for or scared

Not shielded or acknowledged 

Unprotected

Unprotected