The Day I Became a Stalker

Let me start out by saying it was unintentional. I would never stalk anybody. Gas is to high and my time is too precious to stalk people intentionally. Now that we have that out of the way, let me tell you what happened from my point of view.

It started out as an ordinary spring day. I was excited to attend a Lunch and Learn with a professional organization for which I have a membership. I left work a little early to ensure I would arrive on time. The area I was going to was plagued with construction and traffic. I arrive about 20 minutes early, parked and decided to read a chapter from one of my classes. in case you forgot, I am in graduate school. I noticed a lady in the car next to me and based upon how she was dressed, I ascertained that she was a professional and there was a good chance we were going to the same place.
I decided to allow her to become my time clock. I would get out of the car when she did and walk towards the building as well. It was a new place for me and I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going. She got out of her car and then I got out of my car. I walked in the same direction as she.
Then something happened. She started looking over her shoulder. She walked a little faster. In retrospect I could have asked if she was attending the same meeting. But we were in a business plaza, I was wearing business attire and I would never have thought of me as a stalker. Back to the story. She did the thing we as women are taught. Never enter a stairwell or elevator with a stranger. She made a quick turn once we entered the building. I noticed her body language as I was walking toward the building and had already slowed my pace. I would hate to get tasered or maced on accident or out of fear.
She walked into the meeting room a few minutes after I did and had a look of surprise on her face. I now understand how men must feel when they are accused without words of stalking women or creating fear. I am not saying don’t be aware but I am saying be aware. Take a good assessment of your surroundings and by all means if you are uncomfortable do what is necessary to protect yourself. Even from a well dressed business woman headed into a meeting.

Advertisements

The Crutch

Lean on me til you can walk on your own
I am a temporary solution to a broken situation
Depend on me cause I am here
I will hold you up until you can stand by yourself
Let me help you
Cause it’s what I do
I will remind you that you are weak
And without me you may fall
I am your crutch
I am the thing you despise
I am the thing you need
I am a constant reminder that you are imperfect
When you heal let me go
Keep me in a closet
You never know when you will need me again
I am not your walking stick
That’s seems permanent
I am a here for now not the long run
I can never be your friend
You can trust me but my goal is to leave you one day
I am your crutch
I am meant to become a part of your past
Don’t idolize me
Don’t immortalize me
Don’t pretend I am anything more than your crutch
Lean on me
Only because you are not strong
But the thing about being a crutch is that I can’t stand alone
I need you to give me value and worth
Without you or someone like you, I am useless
I am a constant reminder of what was
I am a useless tool when you are healed
I can only hope to find another to need me
I am a crutch

Acceptance

I was a psychology major in school. I have to say at the time I believed everything I was taught. I believed that society created aggression in boys. I believed that we could gender neutralize our boys and take some of the fight out of them. I was against toy guns and had decided my boys would play with dolls if they wanted. I was not going to contribute to the violence that is already prevalent in society. I had also decided my daughter would not get sucked into gender roles. I would ensure she had the opportunity to be and become. She would get a toy push mower and have plastic tools. I would try to make her gender neutral as well. After all, if we reached this state of neutrality as a society and as a world, this would end violence and wars and we would all get along.
When I wrote my graduation invitations out to my married family members, I put the woman’s name first. I was taught by my professor to do the opposite of what society expected. Why couldn’t the woman’s name appear first on the invitation? Mrs. Aunt and Mr. Uncle. I was liberated, informed and educated. I was time to take on the world. Woman Power!
Then about 8 years after graduating from college, I had my first child. The teenager was born. He always wanted to be in my arms or siting next to me. He was cautious about going far from me. A couple of years after that, my Honeygirl was born. I would watch them play with toys and he was always more aggressive than she was. He wasn’t tear the head off the doll aggressive but he was more launch the doll into the air and make it fly aggressive. She always cuddled and coddled her dolls. She didn’t want to launch them into the air like her brother. She wanted to dress them and feed them and love them like they were her babies. She has always loved to color, draw and paint. She is an artist in the making. I have a picture of her when she was a year and a half. She is gripping a handful of crayons. Her dad sent me a picture recently. In the picture, she is gripping a hand full of crayons.
Then, the other two were born. Little dude came into the world and within minutes, opened his eyes and began looking around. He was trying to take it all in from the very start. He is still observant, sensitive and inquisitive. Then Stud Muffin was born. If I still had any doubts about babies being born with a defined personality, he brought the final clarity I needed. He as always been um, well, how can I put this? He came with a strong cry and a way of demanding what he wanted. As soon as he could hit, or throw something he would. As soon as he could stand and hold a ball he was bouncing the ball. As soon as he could stand up and hold a bat, he was swinging. He has always been opinionated and independent.
What I learned from watching them grow from infancy to now is we come here with certain personality traits. I can cultivate them and nurture them but they are who they are. I understand that as parents, we have the responsibility to nurture our kids and teach them to be productive citizens. I could have turned my head as the Stud threw his brother down and sat on his back but I stepped in and helped him learn how to express his frustrations with his words instead of his actions. I could have listened to the Honeygirl cry from exasperation and joined her pity party but instead I empower her to stand up for herself and speak out.
I bought her Hot Wheels every time I bought the boys one. I bought the boys stuffed animals every time I bought her one. But they did not gender neutralize. They had a toy kitchen that everyone cooked in. She had a baby stroller that the boys used as an excuse and run and race through the house.
I am no longer trying to create a generation of gender neutral children. I am trying to embrace their personalities and give them tools to help them navigate the world we live in. Each of them needs a different set of tools. One might need courage, another better communication, one definitely needs less carbs to help remain calm, and another hugs and kisses to make it through the day. What they get from me is the encouragement to be the best them. I love and accept them the way they were wonderfully created.

What am I thinking? Well, since you asked…

my mind is cluttered with thoughts

thoughts of today

thoughts of yesterday

thoughts of right now

thoughts of tomorrow

my mind is distracted by all kinds of thoughts

did I make a C in my class?

when will the torture of this new stage of life end

why do these guys keep trying to calculate my bmi?

was this guy seriously thinking I would hook up with him after two dates?

I don’t think so

that made me think of stranger danger

I think about this, I think about that

I think when I wake up

my thoughts won’t allow me to sleep

I think that I thought that I need to rest my mind

my thoughts come rushing like a hurricane

they overtake my mind

and flood me with emotions

my thoughts help me remember when

my thoughts won’t let me forget

I think I heard you say something

I’m just not sure what it was

it was muffled by my thoughts