Tag Archives: satire

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How to kill a man without serving time

The process starts when he is newly born. Begin early when he depends on you, looks up to you and believes everything you say. Commence the plotting when he is naïve and trusting. You don’t need to rush. Take your time. The plan is not for you to complete the job yourself but to pass the task off when he gets a girlfriend or gets married. It’s her job to finish the deed.
It’s simple, easy, anybody can do this.
Tell him he can’t or better yet, tell he doesn’t have to.
Cater to him to the point where he is lazy and unmotivated.
Tell him he’s not smart enough, fast enough, skilled enough but tell him he’s cute enough.
Show him he’s unworthy.
Support him financially even when he’s an adult.
Encourage him to disrespect authority.
Tell him you don’t need him; after all you can do it by yourself.
Disrespect him with your words, looks, attitude and actions; every now and then do it in front of friends and family.
Keep bringing up his past mistakes.
Don’t let him provide or if he insists, tell him he’s not a good provider.
Make him earn your respect.
Show him you don’t trust him.
Treat him with contempt.
Don’t challenge him to be better or set expectations.
Requirements? Don’t have any.
Treat him like he’s one of your girlfriends or sister instead of your son or man.
Make sure you don’t take interest in anything he does unless it gives you recognition, money or makes you feel good.
Don’t teach him about finances you will take care of him until he gets a wife then she will take care of him with or without his money.
Encourage irresponsibility.
Turn your head when he does something wrong.
Tell him you love him then remind him he will never amount to anything.
Be overbearing.
Tell him what to do every step of the way.
Remind him that he is just like his father, uncle, grandfather or any other man that has been successfully eliminated
Most of all, keep him away from men who are still living. They might try to revive him.
He doesn’t need to know the love of the Father.
Don’t take him to church or take him to a church that will feminize him.
The goal is to kill his spirit.
When you kill his spirit, you kill him.
Premeditated murder…no time served.

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The Day I Became a Stalker

Let me start out by saying it was unintentional. I would never stalk anybody. Gas is to high and my time is too precious to stalk people intentionally. Now that we have that out of the way, let me tell you what happened from my point of view.

It started out as an ordinary spring day. I was excited to attend a Lunch and Learn with a professional organization for which I have a membership. I left work a little early to ensure I would arrive on time. The area I was going to was plagued with construction and traffic. I arrive about 20 minutes early, parked and decided to read a chapter from one of my classes. in case you forgot, I am in graduate school. I noticed a lady in the car next to me and based upon how she was dressed, I ascertained that she was a professional and there was a good chance we were going to the same place.
I decided to allow her to become my time clock. I would get out of the car when she did and walk towards the building as well. It was a new place for me and I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going. She got out of her car and then I got out of my car. I walked in the same direction as she.
Then something happened. She started looking over her shoulder. She walked a little faster. In retrospect I could have asked if she was attending the same meeting. But we were in a business plaza, I was wearing business attire and I would never have thought of me as a stalker. Back to the story. She did the thing we as women are taught. Never enter a stairwell or elevator with a stranger. She made a quick turn once we entered the building. I noticed her body language as I was walking toward the building and had already slowed my pace. I would hate to get tasered or maced on accident or out of fear.
She walked into the meeting room a few minutes after I did and had a look of surprise on her face. I now understand how men must feel when they are accused without words of stalking women or creating fear. I am not saying don’t be aware but I am saying be aware. Take a good assessment of your surroundings and by all means if you are uncomfortable do what is necessary to protect yourself. Even from a well dressed business woman headed into a meeting.

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All that glitters…

In 1848 the California gold rush was born. For every precious metal or jewel, there is either a man-made or nature made duplicate. In the case of the gold rush, there was fool’s gold. Now, to the amateur and inexperienced people fools gold looked real. But the people who understood the qualities of real gold or who had been deceived by fool’s gold or who simply did their research knew the difference. The difference, once you knew, was unmistakable. Real gold is soft, it doesn’t smell like sulfur, the colors were different and the gold could be cut or bitten into without breaking your teeth whereas fool’s gold is brittle and hard.

In 1995, 147 years after the California gold rush, the online dating rush began. I have heard of some success stories in this arena I have also heard from both men and women the difficulties. The challenge is determining what is foolishness versus what is genuine. I joined a site after a friend told me I need to start dating again. I had a few dates but nothing to brag about. I mostly had a lot of laughs at the foolishness. I eventually let my membership run out. Then six months later a different friend suggested I rejoin. Why do I keep listening to these people? I don’t know but I did.

This time around has been a little better but again, lots of phonies, posers, pretenders, fake people and fool’s gold. If a guy says he is 5’11 I don’t expect to be eye to eye with him if I have on 2 inch heels. (I’m 5’6) You may be thinking, that’s not a big deal, guys tend to round-up to the next whole inch. It is a big deal. If you would fudge on your height, what else are you fudging on? One guy had a picture posted that was 10 years old. The date was on the picture. Come one…really? Other’s say they are single when they are actually married and yet others say they like going out and experiencing new things but when you talk, they rant about the price of a glass of wine at a restaurant.

The premise of this particular site is you fill out a profile about your self, height, age, body type, ethnicity, religion etc. They you write a mini biography about yourself. This is where you sell yourself to who ever is searching or checking you our in their daily list of people. In this mini bio, people list their best qualities and characteristics. I’m guessing this is the stuff their mother’s tell them or maybe something they would have seen in a movie. Some are witty, some are straight forward and some are blah. The real test comes during conversation or on that first date. This is when you determine if you have the real thing or not. Some people can pretend for a while but eventually they show themselves. I have found that after a conversation or two I can smell the sulfur.

Recently one guy looked really good on paper. He was saying the right things but there was something not quite right. He was saying too many of the right things. He was saying things that most guys don’t say after a few years of marriage let alone after a few conversations. Because I had a suspicion, I googled him only to realize a lot of what he said was lies. Gotta love (or hate) the internet.

Nonetheless, I am still on the site and weeding through the foolishness or at least having a hearty laugh with my girlfriends. I am glad that I am just cynical enough not to believe everything I am told but hopeful enough to believe I will find real gold one day or I will write one heck of a book. In the mean time, I will keep an eye out for the fool’s gold.

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I am jealous

I have finally decided to admit to myself and anybody who cares to read this, I am jealous of men. I’m not jealous enough to try to become one but I am jealous enough to be a bit envious and well, jealous. Why you ask? Why am I jealous of men? I will tell you it has nothing to do with salaries. It does have everything to do with almost everything else.
First of all, they get to carry wallets. I know they sometimes stuff them full of things but all in all, it’s a wallet. Not the big satchels the stores make for women. Yes, I know there are small handbags and I have started carrying those. But even that begins to weigh down my shoulder. So just go get a wallet then, you might be thinking. Most of my pants and skirts don’t have pockets. Even the clothing industry is in on me not carrying a wallet.
Men don’t ever have to worry whether or not a pair of jeans or a dress makes their butt look big. You will never hear them ask if this swimsuit makes their thighs look big or if the shirt makes them look five months pregnant. Never! Beer bellies are fashionable for men.
Men don’t have girdles, push up bras, corsets or any of those other gadgets women squeeze in to hide their perceived flaws in their bodies. They don’t walk around sucking in their stomachs and clinching their gluteus maxiumus to give the illusion of smallness or tautness.
Men don’t look at and then judge other men. If you walk into a room of women, you will be scoped from head to toe and back up. Somebody will comment on your hair, clothes or shoes. Men don’t say look how his pants fit or can you believe he wore that shirt with those shoes? Women make it hard on other women.
Speaking of shoes, a man’s shoes will last for years, you really can’t go wrong with a pair of loafers. The quality of men’s shoes is better. Women are provided impractical shoes that will only last a couple of fashion seasons. But then, who would dare wear the same shoe for more than one season? I do but hey I have four kids and will only allow the pressures of the fashion industry control me to a point.
Men can sit down on the weekend and zone out watching or participating in their favorite activity. Women are still working on the weekends. We don’t get off the clock until we go to sleep.
Men don’t have to worry about their hair. Now I know there are some exceptions but for the most part, their morning routines don’t include curlers, flat irons, rollers, scarves, shower caps, gels, hair sprays or moisturizer.
Speaking of morning routines, men don’t feel the need to wear makeup. How did they get off not wearing makeup? Do you know what some people pay for lipstick and eyeliner? Who invented makeup anyway. Why is a man’s natural handsomeness fine but a woman’s natural beauty needs tweaking? I don’t understand.
Yes, I am jealous. I wish I could get away with a beer belly, no make up, a buzz cut and shoes that don’t coordinate with my outfit. But if I did that, a gaggle of women would cut me down and make me feel like nothing or worse.

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How to become a successful procrastinator

As a budding procrastinator you are reading all the books, articles and blogs you can get your hands on to keep from doing whatever you are slated to do at the moment. I am offering tips on how to procrastinate successfully. If you follow these 5 simple steps you will become and remain a successful procrastinator. I would offer a money back guarantee but chances are you never got around to making a payment anyway. BTW, I reserve the right to add more tips or less tips depending on whether or not I get distracted and start doing something else or if I want to continue avoiding what I am supposed to do right now.

1.) Always put off today’s tasks until tomorrow or another day.
2.) Don’t write anything down. Rely heavily on your memory.
3.) Spend all of your free time on your blog, Facebook, pintrest or watching television.
4.) Buy lots of home improvement items and leave them propped against a wall.
5.) Read everything except the one thing you are supposed to read.
6.) Text your friends and family telling them all the things you are supposed to accomplish but don’t have time.
7.) Wait until the next holiday or event to start you new project, goal or life change.

If you need support we have a group meeting that occurs every Thursday night at the local library. There are lots of distractions there, it is heaven for a true procrastinator. You always thought all those people were there reading and researching something when in all actuality they are procrastinators successfully avoiding something. Nobody will look for you there, make it your place of refuge from the tasks and duties waiting for you.