Category Archives: Humor

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Whole45 or maybe 90

I shared in a previous post, What’s up with me, that I was doing the Whole30 Diet and really enjoying the benefits. On Whole30 you eliminate a lot of foods. I thought I would struggle the most with desserts. I love sweets. I really do. But I cut them out. I actually can’t remember the last time I baked a cake, cookie or muffin in my own kitchen. 

My struggle has been French fries and ketchup. Who knew??? Now, you can have fries but only if you put in the work to peel, cut and bake the or sauté them in an approved oil, deep frying is a no no. The struggle… I’ve had fries with ketchup once a week at least. 

My 30th day was July 4. But since I have not overcome my craving or addiction I’m supposed to start over. I told myself I would not have any this week. But I’ve eaten them twice already. Is there a support group for fry addiction? Would you attend if I started one? My goal, starting Monday, is to go an entire week without one fry. I can do this. 

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After the Ball

once upon a time…
life is not a fairytale
i didn’t wake up like this
this look took hundreds of dollars in make up and clothes
be in awe of my efforts
the ball gown?
that was for one night
tonight is flannel pajamas
yes i have bags under my eyes
the crows feet become more evident every year
it’s called concealer
the only time you know its there is in bad photos
my hair?
which hair are you speaking of?
i have wigs and pieces and clip ins
no, i will stay up with you past midnight dancing the night away
i’m tired
you like my hour glass figure?
what is life without corsettes and spanx?
i’m not the person you fell in love with!
of course i am
i am still the same on the inside
i deceived you?
i convinced you
i am Cinderella but everyday isn’t a ball

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Popularity

I was reading a blog one day about how to make your blog popular. One of the things on the list was coming up with a top ten or top five list of things to do nor not do. Apparently we humans like short lists of things. I decided right then and there to make my lists about funny things that no one is searching in Google for but it might give you a laugh or smile when you happen upon it on my blog. Check back frequently or infrequently to see what’s coming up next.

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How to become a certified slacker

If you follow these steps you will be well on your way to becoming a certified slacker. First let’s define slacker. According to me, a slacker is a person who doesn’t get much done during the day but no one seems to notice.

I am offering steps to get you towards the certification, not the certification itself. As a true slacker you don’t want everybody to know so you would not leave a trail such as a certification to give proof to those that may suspect your status.

1.) Attend as many meetings as you can, take down lots of “notes” and look extremely engaged and interested in the topic
2.) Show up for work on time and stay late sometimes. During actual work hours surf the net, pay your bills online, update your blog and any other internet related activity that requires typing and intensely looking at your screen.
3.) Get a screen protector or arrange your desk in such a way that passerbyers (I know it’s a questionable word) can’t see your screen.
4.) If you are high enough on the flow chart to have an office, close your door and come out every hour looking frustrated and sighing loudly. Of course what you are actually doing is surfing the net, texting and talking on the phone.
5.) Go to work early, schedule a meeting with a friend you are in cahoots with, (go to the movies, grocery shopping, take a nap or just hang with that friend) then come back to work and stay late.
6.) Always be available for questions. This passes the time and you appear helpful as well as engaged.
7.) Walk around your office talking to people. Don’t spend too much time with one person or else people will complain that you are keeping others from being productive.
8.) Don’t volunteer for any projects unless you are the coordinator then delegate, delegate, delegate.
9.) Don’t take the credit for other people’s ideas. This makes people angry. The goal here is to be stay on everybody’s good side. You want to have lots of allies not enemies.
10.) Always look busy!

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How to become a successful procrastinator

As a budding procrastinator you are reading all the books, articles and blogs you can get your hands on to keep from doing whatever you are slated to do at the moment. I am offering tips on how to procrastinate successfully. If you follow these 5 simple steps you will become and remain a successful procrastinator. I would offer a money back guarantee but chances are you never got around to making a payment anyway. BTW, I reserve the right to add more tips or less tips depending on whether or not I get distracted and start doing something else or if I want to continue avoiding what I am supposed to do right now.

1.) Always put off today’s tasks until tomorrow or another day.
2.) Don’t write anything down. Rely heavily on your memory.
3.) Spend all of your free time on your blog, Facebook, pintrest or watching television.
4.) Buy lots of home improvement items and leave them propped against a wall.
5.) Read everything except the one thing you are supposed to read.
6.) Text your friends and family telling them all the things you are supposed to accomplish but don’t have time.
7.) Wait until the next holiday or event to start you new project, goal or life change.

If you need support we have a group meeting that occurs every Thursday night at the local library. There are lots of distractions there, it is heaven for a true procrastinator. You always thought all those people were there reading and researching something when in all actuality they are procrastinators successfully avoiding something. Nobody will look for you there, make it your place of refuge from the tasks and duties waiting for you.

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Dating Advice

* Make sure his or her dream is bigger than your reality.
* Clingy may be cute early on but not so much years later.
* Love is a four letter word that deserves its own category.
* If you are making excuses for their behavior early on, back away slowly then run.
* Take your time to get to know each other.
* Chemistry is a class you take.
* Believe what they say and do.
* Expectations are not a bad thing.
* Show the day to day you early on.

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Welcome New Year

New Year

Welcome New Year. I understand that you have here less than 24 hours but you have a lot of work to do. As a new year, you have the opportunity to make history. Depending on what you do, people will remember you forever. Now, you have to decide whether you want to be known forever to the masses or just to individuals. Not every year has been able to have a huge impact on the lives of all of the people here on Earth. But you are empowered to do just that. Or you can sit back like a several of the other years and go by unnoticed, which is not always a bad thing. You have a choice to make. You don’t have to make it now, you can wait until 12/31/13 to make the choice. You can impact the world at the last minute. We do want you to enjoy yourself in the process. We believe in work life balance around here. Have fun but work hard.
Let me introduce you to some of your cohorts. Over here, we have the New Seconds. The decisions they make are quick. There is no time to contemplate. They are expected to produce constantly. The good thing is, there are a whole lot of them. We call them frontline employees. They tend to get the least amount of attention or credit unless there is an athletic event or the count down for the new New Year. There are other reasons they are called upon but for the most part, they don’t receive much attention. Actually, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 get the most attention and are called on the most.
Over here we have the New Minutes. Most of their work comes from the New Seconds. They are charged with taking every 60 seconds and packaging them up into a minute. It’s not easy. Factory work is always difficult and can be redundant but it too is important. The minutes count as much as the seconds. They tend to be more popular than the seconds. People count the minutes on a daily basis. When they are anticipating something that doesn’t require precisions, they are called upon. I see a lot of people counting the minutes until they leave work or arrive at a destination. We see minutes working together with hours and days to determine the exact date and time of a birth or a death. They can also make a difference in whether people are late or early to events. You wouldn’t believe the fallouts than can occur due to minutes.
Then we have New Hours, New Days, New Weeks, and New Months. They are all here to help you achieve your goals. Only you know your goals and only you can direct the other News. Please understand that once you make a decision, you can’t take it back. That decision will forever be ingrained in at least one person’s memory. Your legacy depends on all of the News. Ultimately, you will receive the credit or blame for how you work with seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months.
Now, there is a huge number of expectations, resolutions, hopes, dreams and desires that are in your e-mail. We are going green you know. Although we did accept paper submissions we don’t encourage them. If I didn’t already say so, we are glad to have you on board.
While I personally didn’t have a problem with 2012 as a whole, a lot of people didn’t care for it. I read through some of the submissions we already received, you have your work cutout for you. People are depending on you to make a positive impact on their lives. If 2012 was not good to them, they have high expectations for you to turn things around.
Best of luck to you or as we say around here, Cheers, Jeers and Tears!