I was reading a blog one day about how to make your blog popular. One of the things on the list was coming up with a top ten or top five list of things to do nor not do. Apparently we humans like short lists of things. I decided right then and there to make my lists about funny things that no one is searching in Google for but it might give you a laugh or smile when you happen upon it on my blog. Check back frequently or infrequently to see what’s coming up next.
Category Archives: Funny
How to become a successful procrastinator
As a budding procrastinator you are reading all the books, articles and blogs you can get your hands on to keep from doing whatever you are slated to do at the moment. I am offering tips on how to procrastinate successfully. If you follow these 5 simple steps you will become and remain a successful procrastinator. I would offer a money back guarantee but chances are you never got around to making a payment anyway. BTW, I reserve the right to add more tips or less tips depending on whether or not I get distracted and start doing something else or if I want to continue avoiding what I am supposed to do right now.
1.) Always put off today’s tasks until tomorrow or another day.
2.) Don’t write anything down. Rely heavily on your memory.
3.) Spend all of your free time on your blog, Facebook, pintrest or watching television.
4.) Buy lots of home improvement items and leave them propped against a wall.
5.) Read everything except the one thing you are supposed to read.
6.) Text your friends and family telling them all the things you are supposed to accomplish but don’t have time.
7.) Wait until the next holiday or event to start you new project, goal or life change.
If you need support we have a group meeting that occurs every Thursday night at the local library. There are lots of distractions there, it is heaven for a true procrastinator. You always thought all those people were there reading and researching something when in all actuality they are procrastinators successfully avoiding something. Nobody will look for you there, make it your place of refuge from the tasks and duties waiting for you.
* Make sure his or her dream is bigger than your reality.
* Clingy may be cute early on but not so much years later.
* Love is a four letter word that deserves its own category.
* If you are making excuses for their behavior early on, back away slowly then run.
* Take your time to get to know each other.
* Chemistry is a class you take.
* Believe what they say and do.
* Expectations are not a bad thing.
* Show the day to day you early on.
Are you stuck?
I saw this video in a class I was attending. I hope you get as much out of it as I did the first time and every time I see the video.
Welcome New Year
Welcome New Year. I understand that you have here less than 24 hours but you have a lot of work to do. As a new year, you have the opportunity to make history. Depending on what you do, people will remember you forever. Now, you have to decide whether you want to be known forever to the masses or just to individuals. Not every year has been able to have a huge impact on the lives of all of the people here on Earth. But you are empowered to do just that. Or you can sit back like a several of the other years and go by unnoticed, which is not always a bad thing. You have a choice to make. You don’t have to make it now, you can wait until 12/31/13 to make the choice. You can impact the world at the last minute. We do want you to enjoy yourself in the process. We believe in work life balance around here. Have fun but work hard.
Let me introduce you to some of your cohorts. Over here, we have the New Seconds. The decisions they make are quick. There is no time to contemplate. They are expected to produce constantly. The good thing is, there are a whole lot of them. We call them frontline employees. They tend to get the least amount of attention or credit unless there is an athletic event or the count down for the new New Year. There are other reasons they are called upon but for the most part, they don’t receive much attention. Actually, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 get the most attention and are called on the most.
Over here we have the New Minutes. Most of their work comes from the New Seconds. They are charged with taking every 60 seconds and packaging them up into a minute. It’s not easy. Factory work is always difficult and can be redundant but it too is important. The minutes count as much as the seconds. They tend to be more popular than the seconds. People count the minutes on a daily basis. When they are anticipating something that doesn’t require precisions, they are called upon. I see a lot of people counting the minutes until they leave work or arrive at a destination. We see minutes working together with hours and days to determine the exact date and time of a birth or a death. They can also make a difference in whether people are late or early to events. You wouldn’t believe the fallouts than can occur due to minutes.
Then we have New Hours, New Days, New Weeks, and New Months. They are all here to help you achieve your goals. Only you know your goals and only you can direct the other News. Please understand that once you make a decision, you can’t take it back. That decision will forever be ingrained in at least one person’s memory. Your legacy depends on all of the News. Ultimately, you will receive the credit or blame for how you work with seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months.
Now, there is a huge number of expectations, resolutions, hopes, dreams and desires that are in your e-mail. We are going green you know. Although we did accept paper submissions we don’t encourage them. If I didn’t already say so, we are glad to have you on board.
While I personally didn’t have a problem with 2012 as a whole, a lot of people didn’t care for it. I read through some of the submissions we already received, you have your work cutout for you. People are depending on you to make a positive impact on their lives. If 2012 was not good to them, they have high expectations for you to turn things around.
Best of luck to you or as we say around here, Cheers, Jeers and Tears!
When Mr. Wright is actually Mr. Wrong
As I was describing my date to a friend, she said, “excuse me while I remove the mic from my face” and commenced to laugh very loud for an extended period of time.
I’m glad I’m not easily offended.
The first time I saw him, I thought, he’s not bad-looking, he has all of his teeth, he’s clean and is well-groomed. We talked and laughed for hours. Within the first hour he asked me to marry him. I told him I needed to meet his mother first. He called her on his cell phone. She and I chatted about the holidays, what she was cooking and how to download music on an iPod. He and I exchanged numbers before I left.
A couple of days later, he sent me a text message asking me out on a date. (first flag) **Side note, I am trying to become more progressive but I really am old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I like my doors opened, I’m okay with him paying and I would prefer a phone call if you want to ask me out. Honestly, I would not allow honeygirl to go on a date with a guy who would not verbally ask her. The standard remains the same, forget progressive.**
The event itself was fine. He took me to a friend’s sister’s house for an intimate Christmas party. The party consisted of all of her close friends and me. Never one to turn away from a potentially awkward situation, I embraced the moment and turned on my social charm. He introduced me to everyone he knew as his fiancé. (1/2 flag, it was kind of funny) I soon left his side and began to talk with the other guests. All in all, I had a great time, talked with most of the other guests, heard some funny stories and considered it two hours well spent.
Mr. Wright told me on the drive back that I received an endorsement from one of the guests who described me as grounded, nice and a good catch. Special shout out to Mr. Oil and Gas and his lovely wife, Mrs. Oil and Gas.
I called my friend after dropping off Mr. Wright to discuss the date and for her to keep me company as I drove. I proceeded to tell her about the date and said I saw some red flags. I went on to tell her about the return ride conversation. He described the hostess and her friends as young and pretentious. The he said, I knew you would fit in, that’s why I invited you. (flag, did he just call me pretentious?) Let’s see if I can remember his next words. “Who cares about a degree? They aren’t worth the paper they are printed on most of the time!” (flag, I’m pretty sure I told him I was working on a Masters in education)
As we were approaching his final destination, I allowed him to listed to a live recording of my poem, I’m Better Than That. Let it sink in Mr. Wright. Let it sink in.
Another true story
A friend of mine met a guy while she was shopping in a superstuffmart one day. This guys seemed nice enough after a few phone conversations and textations (I know it’s not an official word but the way a word becomes official is when a person starts to use it and it catches on. Who would have thought bootylicious would have made it to the dictionary?) therefore, she agreed to go out with him. He told her to wear a pretty dress on the date. She obliged. She carefully planned her outfit for the date. As they made final arrangements, he told her to meet him at IHOP. She thought, this must be the meeting place and then they are going to the real restaurant that must be hard to find.
Here is an excerpt from one of my newer poems that is based on this true story.
The title of the poem is, I’m Better Than That
When he looks at you and says you are beautiful
When he says I get lost in your eyes
Or your smile brightens up a room
Then says let me take you to dinner meet me at IHOP
Say I’m better than that
My friend doesn’t have a problem with going to IHOP but not on a first date after being asked to wear a pretty dress.