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First Date Do’s and Don’ts

I met this guy a few months ago. We’ve talked and texted since then but due to our schedules and let’s face it, lack of any real effort we went out for the first time recently. After I write this article I really should write one that helps you determine if the person is date worthy.
I’m not new to dating. I’ve had several first dates that never led to a second date. I’m not a serial dater but I consider my time valuable and can’t see spending hours with a person I never want to see again, because they seem nice but have no substance or are self-absorbed. First dates can be awkward. But there are things you can do to lessen the awkwardness and increase the chances of there being a second date.

Shall we number these? Sure, why not?

1. Resist the urge stare at your date – seems like a no brainer right? If it wasn’t occurring I wouldn’t add it to my list. My last two dates sat across from me and stared. One with the intention of making me uncomfortable. He was trying to, “see my soul through my eyes.” It reminded me of staring contests I would get into with my honeygirl when she was a toddler. She had uncanny ability to not blink. I always lost therefore I never accepted that particular challenge from anybody else. What’s the point anyway? Heck, I like blinking. The other person was much more smooth with his staring and even gave me a line upfront, “I’m not staring, I’m observing.” Call it what you want it still results in making your date uncomfortable.

2. If you are going to insist on the other person selecting the place then don’t complain or worse wait until you get to the restaurant to let them know how much you dislike their selection. “Why didn’t you say something two hours ago when I made the suggestion?” ” I didn’t want to offend you.” I can fully appreciate not wanting to offend someone, irritating them is a much better option.

3. Allow the other person to talk. I know you and your life are fascinating but there’s something so engaging about dialogue. If you don’t ruin the first date you might get a second one and can use that date to tell the other person how smart, talented and wonderful you are.

4. Keep your assets to yourself. I’m not using that as a metaphor. Unless you are looking for a gold digger it’s not necessary to list all of your assets on the first date. I understand you want to appear successful but unless you are giving out one of your many houses or putting my name on your large bank account, I honestly don’t care.

5. Don’t talk about your ex. I had one guy insist on taking me out for my birthday as our first date. He spent an hour ranting about his ex whom he had been divorced from for three years. Another one actually called his ex and the mother of his children a bitch. If you will call her a name what’s to keep you from calling me one? We aren’t friends and I’m not your confidante. Get over your ex or at the very least don’t disrepect them in front of your date.

6. Be yourself but not all of yourself. Save the revelation of fetishes, quirks and anything else that may abruptly end the potential relationship until the third date. Those things may seem charming and eclectic instead of weird and strange by then.

7. Hold off on the selfies or usies. I don’t like the thought of my face being plastered all over someone’s social media outlets. Call me old-fashioned. Let’s add, don’t take unauthorized photos either. One of my friends mentioned something about a guy taking pictures of her toe cleavage without asking her and it was on the first date. Had he waited to reveal his foot fetish until the third date who knows what could have happened between them.

8. Be “normal”- Use your active listening skills. Make brief eye contact, smile and even laugh a little.

9. Enjoy the silence. Every moment of a date doesn’t have to be filled with conversation. It may seem awkward at first but give it a try. This is not an opportunity to manipulate or intimidate the other person. “I’m going be quiet and stare at you until you talk.” It’s givng an opportunity to chew your food, enjoy the music or think about something intriguing you just said.

If you have any others to add feel free to leave them in the comments. Thanks for stopping by.

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Ode to My Honeygirl

Tomorrow she turns 12. It doesn’t seem that long ago that the teenager and I were at reading time when I went into labor. I waited until it was over, got him buckled in the van, gave him some graham crackers and a drink then I called my doctor. Thirteen hours of labor later, she was born. It was around 1am.

I was tired and hungry, how did they expect a pregnant woman to survive so many hours on ice chips? I looked over at her held her for a moment to count all of her fingers and toes (why do we do that?) and give her a quick snuggle then handed her to her dad then asked the nurse to please give me something to eat. It’s the middle of the night in the hospital and the cafeteria was closed so I had to settle for graham crackers, peanut butter and grape juice but I digress.

She had to go to the NICU because she swallowed meconium during her slow trip down the canal. A short time later, I walked down to see her and hold her. I looked in her eyes and realized the five and a half months of being sick, laying on my couch in the dark and not being able to eat anything other than mashed potatoes with gravy and a biscuit were not worth the trauma (just kidding…maybe).

She has grown into a vivacious, quick-witted, artsy, loving, don’t get in my space unless invited, long story telling (detailed oriented?) intelligent, perceptive young lady. I constantly remind her that she is, by far, my favorite daughter. She’s everything I could ask for in a daughter plus a couple of other things that I never would have asked for but apparently need in order to balance our lives. She walks slow, taking in her surroundings, picking up flower and admiring rocks. She has always had a thing for rocks. Her eyes would light up and she would get excited and almost giddy if the rock was shiny. She has an extensive collection of rocks. She will pull one out periodically to admire its shape, color and luster.

When she was a baby, I would sing these words to her, “You are so beautiful to me. You’re everything I hoped for; you’re everything I need. You are so beautiful to (mommy)…” – Ray Charles

I am glad to have been chosen to be her mom.

Happy Birthday to you my dear sweet Honeygirl. I love you!

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Reading and Heeding the Signs

(picture from http://www.roadtrafficsigns.com)

How often do you ignore a road sign while driving? Do you run red lights or speed through school zones? Are you one of those people who thinks a railroad sign is a challenge to beat the train? If you do heed the signs have you ever wondered why? Is it to avoid a fine or for safety reason? If you don’t heed the roadway signs, why not?

What’s your sign? I’m not recycling a pickup line. We hold up different signs based upon our current circumstances. I reconnected with an old friend recently. His sign said, a Warning Do Not Enter! But I pushed the door open and stuck my head in anyway.

The question I have is, why do we forge ahead ignoring signs? In all fairness to him, he told me he only wanted a friendship, he said his life is complicated and didn’t appear as though he was making moves to uncomplicate it and he clearly stated his long term goal was to be alone. My mind was clouded by the person I knew previously and thinking, why would anybody make plans to intentionally be alone the rest of their lives? Then i mentally justified hanging around. He’s saying that now but he will change his mind eventually.

I was listening to his words and watching his actions. Everything he does lines up with what he says. He acts like a person who wants to be alone. He speaks like a person who wants to be a lone and he lives the life of person who doesn’t want a relationship due to the complications of life. I am not saying any of this is bad. As a matter of fact it’s quite good. There are no false hopes or conflicting messages being presented, just the truth. How can I get upset at his truth? After realizing we were walking down to different paths that would not meet up in the end, I let go of hope for anything more than a distant friendship.

At the time I was quoting Maya Angelou to myself over and over again, “when somebody shows you who they are the first time, believe them.” In other words, read and heed their sign. I can honestly say I saw warning signs with my ex. I ignored them because he was sweet, funny, spiritual and cute. However, he held up a huge sign with blinking lights that said Insecure and Controlling. Since the divorce I’ve proceeded with caution except for the times when I’m not. 

There was a time, for several years after my divorce, when someone would ask me if I wanted a relationship and my standard reply was, “I don’t know.” When you don’t know what you want then you amble along going where ever the wind takes you. I ended up in a relationship that had no real direction or commitment and a job that was not leading to anywhere. After that, I decided to have a little sit down with myself. I needed to determine what I wanted in a career and relationship.

My signs today say, Construction Site because I am two classes from graduation with an MEd and I Want a Committed and Meaningful Relationship. Now, I only apply for jobs that align with my career goals. I don’t have any desire to spend my time in a job but does not line up with my career aspirations. As far as relationships are concerned, I am committed to start reading the signs and believing them without wasting days, months and definitely not years pretending I don’t know what the sign says.

Aside by

Hear ye hear ye 

it’s national poetry writing month. The goal is to write a poem a day. I’m not sure I can commit to that but I will write more than usual. 

I suddenly become aware of the silence

Ssshhhhh 

Listen

Now my mind is racing

My heart is pumping

What’s going on?

It’s too quiet

I walk cautiously through the house

Every step takes me closer to the unknown

As I peer around the corner, I see them

One is sitting on the counter

The other is sitting on the floor

They were finally successful

After many foiled attempts

They got into the cookie jar

— I will call this one, Toddlers—

National Poetry Writing Month

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15 Steps to Slowly and Torturously End a Relationship

My confession for today is I like to read. I read a lot of books and online articles. Every week there is a new article listing 6, 8, 10 or 15 steps to a successful relationship. They all list the same basic concepts like communicate, set aside alone time and keep the intimacy going. With the divorce rate being what it is and people in relationships not following all the wonderful advice readily available then perhaps they don’t want healthy relationships. Maybe they really want to practice a mild form of legal torture. If that’s the case, I’m here to assist you in your quest.

Any and all of these should work to drive a wedge between you and your partner. After doing these things continuously you should be able to end your relationship. Maybe.

1.) Be inconsiderate- show up late from work, miss the family get togethers, forget birthdays and anniversaries, throw your clothes on the floor, spill sticky things and don’t wipe them up. If they like going out to dinner, movies, horse races or traveling don’t do those activities with them. Refuse to watch their favorite TV show with them. If you do decided to participate in their favorite activities, consistently use your mobile devices and act annoyed.

2.) Withhold affection- the human touch brings about a chain of positive chemical reactions. Deny that special person any form of contact especially intimacy.

3.) While you are withholding affection you may as well withhold intimacy. That will definitely teach them a lesson or two. Treat this one like holding your breath, let’s see how long you can go before you pass out.

4.) Cheat- since you are withholding affection and not being intimate you may as well cheat. Don’t make it too obvious and don’t hide it too well. The point of these steps is to slowly end the relationship. When you get caught you have two options, blame or apologize. Blame the other person and tell them it’s their fault if they had just done or not done whatever then you would not have cheated. The other option is to apologize then keep cheating and keep getting caught.

5.) Stop communicating effectively- do not respond to text messages, don’t return phone calls, remain silent at dinner, and give short answers or very long answers, depending on the settings, to questions. Oh, keep telling that same story over and over and over again.

6.) Spend too much money- buy something elaborate with the money that’s being set aside for something else. Want some new golf clubs, spa day, poker night, a trip somewhere? Start marking things off of your bucket list.

7.) Complain then complain some more. No examples required…

8.) When you purchase gifts make sure it’s something they will hate or resent. One lady I know received a big screen TV for Mother’s Day. That doesn’t sound too bad, right? Her husband placed it in his man cave. Besides, she asked for a camera. If the gift is for a female purchase a clothing item that’s two sizes too small. Then, give a blank stare when the complaining starts. For that guy in your life, buy him tickets to something you know he’d hate but his mother or better yet your mother would love then set up the date. You can go to the spa while they are gone.

9.) Never have alone time- make sure you always have company over or pack your schedules with activities. At the end of the long exhausting day, put your pet or your child in the bed with you. This would also be a good time to tell that story again.

10.) Do not keep your word- remember the title of this  promises 15 steps? Well I’m only giving you 10. Feel free to change your mind at the last minute.

11.) I left off one- no, it’s not be inconsistent or flakey it’s don’t show up for court dates and quibble over every detail of the divorce decree. When your partner finally decides they have had enough, make leaving torture.

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She called him Pookie

She went on dates with one or two

Yet others she only spoke to on the phone

She referred to them as sweetheart 

Their names escaped her memory

She was only humoring them not really interested

Then she met him, if you want to call it that

They knew each from around the way

Sharing mutual friends and memories of days gone by

He was different 

So, she called him Pookie

Saying the name made her smile

Talking to him made her laugh

He wasn’t just another name to forget

She knew his first, middle and last

She could have referred to him as one of those

But instead, she called him Pookie

It didn’t fit him at all but that didn’t matter

What do you call a strong man?

How do you refer to a man with a heart of gold?

Which word describes a man of integrity?

She couldn’t think of one single word that adequately described him

So, she called him Pookie

 

 

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Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes I cry out of frustration
Other times I cry because my heart is hurting
Then there are the times I cry and laugh
Today I cried because it was time to say good-bye
I cry when life gets overwhelming
I often hear people say, “you are strong”
I’m only strong because I allow myself to cry
It’s the external manifestation of my current internal situation
The tears come when the numbers on the  barometer that measures the atmospheric pressure of my soul gets to high
Numerically speaking, when you multiply responsibility by tension then add negative relations
You get frustration
When frustration is divided by demands
It equals life
And life, in terms of numbers, is prime
When you divide it by its self, you only get one
At times I cry because some days, during this 1 life that I live, are filled with sorrow
But I will take this life and not covet any other
Because this life allows me to cry
If water is cleansing and refreshing
Then my tears cleanse my soul and refresh my spirit
Just a while ago, I said farewell to somebody who was dear to me
Today, was a day that I cried