Tag Archives: Family

Aside by

Hear ye hear ye 

it’s national poetry writing month. The goal is to write a poem a day. I’m not sure I can commit to that but I will write more than usual. 

I suddenly become aware of the silence

Ssshhhhh 

Listen

Now my mind is racing

My heart is pumping

What’s going on?

It’s too quiet

I walk cautiously through the house

Every step takes me closer to the unknown

As I peer around the corner, I see them

One is sitting on the counter

The other is sitting on the floor

They were finally successful

After many foiled attempts

They got into the cookie jar

— I will call this one, Toddlers—

National Poetry Writing Month

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Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes I cry out of frustration
Other times I cry because my heart is hurting
Then there are the times I cry and laugh
Today I cried because it was time to say good-bye
I cry when life gets overwhelming
I often hear people say, “you are strong”
I’m only strong because I allow myself to cry
It’s the external manifestation of my current internal situation
The tears come when the numbers on the  barometer that measures the atmospheric pressure of my soul gets to high
Numerically speaking, when you multiply responsibility by tension then add negative relations
You get frustration
When frustration is divided by demands
It equals life
And life, in terms of numbers, is prime
When you divide it by its self, you only get one
At times I cry because some days, during this 1 life that I live, are filled with sorrow
But I will take this life and not covet any other
Because this life allows me to cry
If water is cleansing and refreshing
Then my tears cleanse my soul and refresh my spirit
Just a while ago, I said farewell to somebody who was dear to me
Today, was a day that I cried

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Excerpt from, A Real Life Drama

She was excited. He hadn’t asked her to go on a date in a while. Then, out of the blue, he asked her. Of course she said yes. It had been a long time since the two of them had spent time alone. They usually did everything as a family. He was big on family time. But he wanted to have dinner with her, alone. He was very casual in his approach. She tried not to show her surprise when he asked. He selected the restaurant. It didn’t matter that is was not her favorite place. He decided on the day. It didn’t matter that she would have had a long day at work. The only thing that mattered is they were spending time together. She was hoping they could talk and maybe laugh a little. They needed this time. It was important to her to build a solid relationship. After all, they were going to be in each other’s lives for a life time.

When they pulled up to the restaurant he got out of the car and opened her door. He was just that kind of guy. She never asked him too. He did it on his own. As they walked to the restaurant, she softly asked him, “is it okay if I hold your hand?” He’s not the affectionate type, at least not in public and rarely at home. He gave her the look. You know the one that says, “you are kidding me, right?” He asked her why he should hold her hand in public. She replied, because that’s what you do when you like someone and you’re on a date. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and started walking a little faster. She picked up her speed and grabbed hold to his arm. He didn’t pull away. She considered this a small victory. She silently prayed, “let my seven-year old find a wife who can look past his rough exterior to see his tender heart.”

(A date with the Stud Muffin)

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Why God Hates Divorce

I’ve been divorced for almost four years. This week, I finally understood some reasons why God hates divorce.

It’s the cries of the children that break his heart
It’s the responsibility they feel for the breakup
It’s the blame
It’s the shame
It’s why my family
It’s brokenness
Bitterness
It’s acting as a peacekeeper
Responsibility, more than they can bear
Allegiance
Alliance
Stuck in the middle
I miss my mom
I miss my dad
I want them back together
Holidays apart
A new family
A new start
It’s the sorrow of the children that hurt his heart
A life they didn’t plan
A step-mother or father
A step- brother or sister
New rules
New traditions
I miss my old life
Resentment
Disrespect
Which parent to protect?
Love is scary
Trust is gone
Relationships don’t work
Fear takes on a life of it’s own
Forgotten
Pushed aside
A brand new life
A new bed
A different room
Brand new house
A new school
No old friends
The Church is new too?
Nothing is familiar
Why just tell me why?
It’s the disappointment of the children that brings sadness to God
God hates divorce and I now understand why

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The Building of the Fire Pit

Last weekend I asked the Teenager to put together a fire pit I purchased when I was preparing to move into our house. I had visions of us sitting outside in on a cool evening or morning drinking hot chocolate and enjoying the fire in the pit and each other’s company. Then life happened and two falls and winters later, I finally made it a priority to put the pit together. I sealed the deal by asking friends over. You know when you invite kids over to roast marshmallows and  make s’mores you’d better be ready.

The Teenager is my designated Mr. Fixit/ handyman. Sometimes we need to challenge our children beyond their current capacity. I had Honeygirl and Little Dude bring the box in and The Teenager went to work. He pulled out the directions, at this age he doesn’t know the man code about not reading directions, and began putting the pit together. He experienced some frustrations at one point and called on his siblings to assist him which they willingly did. Hold this! Lift that! Then I heard he yell out, “you never do anything right!” I called him into my room at this point to have a conversation about that statement. I started out by saying, “one day you will become a father and as a father one thing you don’t want to tell your children is they can never do anything right.” I asked him to imagine me saying that to him. He was having a difficult time but I never yelled at him or took over the project. In teaching our children, we sometimes learn lessons ourselves. I am definitely learning patience and temperance. He apologized and they made up. He also understood my point. I hope he builds his children and my children up instead of tearing them down. The power of our words is just powerful.

Most of what I do with him is intentional. He turned 14 a few weeks ago and at this point I have fewer years of influence and teachable moments ahead of me. I told him he was putting this pit together for several different reasons. I want him to have a sense of accomplishment, I want him to learn to ask for help, I want him to work with his siblings, I want them to work with him, I want him to be the man his wife will depend on to make things happen, and I want him to experience frustration in a controlled environment, I want him to know I am here for him and I want him to know he can do anything. I didn’t just start this journey, it started when he was a baby but now we have moved on to bigger things that have bigger rewards.

I ended up going in to help him out. He was almost done but needed an extra hand and words of encouragement. When he was done, we all oohed and aahed at the fire pit and then began the task of getting wood to burn in the fire pit.

fire pit

As I said before, I bought the pit a couple of years ago. Last year I bought wood to burn in the pit. It has been sitting in my garage waiting. I thought the wood was too big to burn in the pit so I decided the boys and I needed to go to the local hardware store and buy and axe. One our way there the Little Dude had a mild session of wigging out. He said he didn’t want an axe in the house because he was afraid he would get chopped into little pieces. I am not sure what he has been watching on TV but I assured him that was not our short term or long term goal. We merely wanted to chop some pieces of wood. I asked the kindly gentlemen which axe I should buy for the task at hand. The said a 3lb axe would do just fine. The teenager and I both decided to go with what he said. He was the expert right? Well let me tell you that a 3lb axe doesn’t cut through a thin tree limb. The Teenager must have chopped that piece of wood for quite a while and never made any progress. He did receive lots of cheers from his siblings. Thankfully, earlier in the day, I had purchased a fire log that catches fire and burns easily. Oh, the axe did cut through that thing.

The Axe

The friends showed up, it was a cold enough evening with a few sprinkles and they were all excited. The Teenager made everybody stay in the house as he attempted to get the wood to light. I have never lit a fire before in my entire life other than on a gas stove. My ex lit the fires in our fire place and I now have a gas burning fireplace. I did know we might need some paper, smaller pieces of wood that might catch quicker and then the wood. Again, I am thankful for the fire log because it saved the day. The kids roasted marshmallows and ate their s’mores.

As the younger ones went back in the house The Teenager pulled up a chair with me to enjoy the fire. He then began to talk to me about things that have been on his mind. I love when my kids share their heart with me. All in all I would say the building of the fire pit was a great experience. We learned, we laughed and in the end we still had respect and love. What more can you ask for?

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When I grow up I want to drive a…

The other day I was driving on home on the highway and looked over at the person next to me. It was man driving a minivan. I had a funny thought. When he was a little boy and pretending to drive on two wheels around a curve or when he asked for a remote control car, or when he looked at cars on the road and dreamed of sitting behind one of those cars, did he pretend it was a minivan?

When I was married, we had a minivan. I understand the logic. We had four children and two of them are only 15 months a part. It makes sense when you are taking road trips or need to walk to the back of the car to get to a crying baby. We carried double strollers, baseball bags, soccer balls and lots of groceries to feed the Fantastic 4. We needed the space and the convenience.

What that gentleman represented to me was family, sacrifice, love and selflessness.

If you currently drive a minivan, drove a minivan in the past or are contemplating driving one in the future. I salute you. It takes a real man to lay aside his dream car for a practical car in order to make sure his family is safe and comfortable.

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Acceptance

I was a psychology major in school. I have to say at the time I believed everything I was taught. I believed that society created aggression in boys. I believed that we could gender neutralize our boys and take some of the fight out of them. I was against toy guns and had decided my boys would play with dolls if they wanted. I was not going to contribute to the violence that is already prevalent in society. I had also decided my daughter would not get sucked into gender roles. I would ensure she had the opportunity to be and become. She would get a toy push mower and have plastic tools. I would try to make her gender neutral as well. After all, if we reached this state of neutrality as a society and as a world, this would end violence and wars and we would all get along.
When I wrote my graduation invitations out to my married family members, I put the woman’s name first. I was taught by my professor to do the opposite of what society expected. Why couldn’t the woman’s name appear first on the invitation? Mrs. Aunt and Mr. Uncle. I was liberated, informed and educated. I was time to take on the world. Woman Power!
Then about 8 years after graduating from college, I had my first child. The teenager was born. He always wanted to be in my arms or siting next to me. He was cautious about going far from me. A couple of years after that, my Honeygirl was born. I would watch them play with toys and he was always more aggressive than she was. He wasn’t tear the head off the doll aggressive but he was more launch the doll into the air and make it fly aggressive. She always cuddled and coddled her dolls. She didn’t want to launch them into the air like her brother. She wanted to dress them and feed them and love them like they were her babies. She has always loved to color, draw and paint. She is an artist in the making. I have a picture of her when she was a year and a half. She is gripping a handful of crayons. Her dad sent me a picture recently. In the picture, she is gripping a hand full of crayons.
Then, the other two were born. Little dude came into the world and within minutes, opened his eyes and began looking around. He was trying to take it all in from the very start. He is still observant, sensitive and inquisitive. Then Stud Muffin was born. If I still had any doubts about babies being born with a defined personality, he brought the final clarity I needed. He as always been um, well, how can I put this? He came with a strong cry and a way of demanding what he wanted. As soon as he could hit, or throw something he would. As soon as he could stand and hold a ball he was bouncing the ball. As soon as he could stand up and hold a bat, he was swinging. He has always been opinionated and independent.
What I learned from watching them grow from infancy to now is we come here with certain personality traits. I can cultivate them and nurture them but they are who they are. I understand that as parents, we have the responsibility to nurture our kids and teach them to be productive citizens. I could have turned my head as the Stud threw his brother down and sat on his back but I stepped in and helped him learn how to express his frustrations with his words instead of his actions. I could have listened to the Honeygirl cry from exasperation and joined her pity party but instead I empower her to stand up for herself and speak out.
I bought her Hot Wheels every time I bought the boys one. I bought the boys stuffed animals every time I bought her one. But they did not gender neutralize. They had a toy kitchen that everyone cooked in. She had a baby stroller that the boys used as an excuse and run and race through the house.
I am no longer trying to create a generation of gender neutral children. I am trying to embrace their personalities and give them tools to help them navigate the world we live in. Each of them needs a different set of tools. One might need courage, another better communication, one definitely needs less carbs to help remain calm, and another hugs and kisses to make it through the day. What they get from me is the encouragement to be the best them. I love and accept them the way they were wonderfully created.