Author Archives

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Reading and Heeding the Signs

(picture from http://www.roadtrafficsigns.com)

How often do you ignore a road sign while driving? Do you run red lights or speed through school zones? Are you one of those people who thinks a railroad sign is a challenge to beat the train? If you do heed the signs have you ever wondered why? Is it to avoid a fine or for safety reason? If you don’t heed the roadway signs, why not?

What’s your sign? I’m not recycling a pickup line. We hold up different signs based upon our current circumstances. I reconnected with an old friend recently. His sign said, a Warning Do Not Enter! But I pushed the door open and stuck my head in anyway.

The question I have is, why do we forge ahead ignoring signs? In all fairness to him, he told me he only wanted a friendship, he said his life is complicated and didn’t appear as though he was making moves to uncomplicate it and he clearly stated his long term goal was to be alone. My mind was clouded by the person I knew previously and thinking, why would anybody make plans to intentionally be alone the rest of their lives? Then i mentally justified hanging around. He’s saying that now but he will change his mind eventually.

I was listening to his words and watching his actions. Everything he does lines up with what he says. He acts like a person who wants to be alone. He speaks like a person who wants to be a lone and he lives the life of person who doesn’t want a relationship due to the complications of life. I am not saying any of this is bad. As a matter of fact it’s quite good. There are no false hopes or conflicting messages being presented, just the truth. How can I get upset at his truth? After realizing we were walking down to different paths that would not meet up in the end, I let go of hope for anything more than a distant friendship.

At the time I was quoting Maya Angelou to myself over and over again, “when somebody shows you who they are the first time, believe them.” In other words, read and heed their sign. I can honestly say I saw warning signs with my ex. I ignored them because he was sweet, funny, spiritual and cute. However, he held up a huge sign with blinking lights that said Insecure and Controlling. Since the divorce I’ve proceeded with caution except for the times when I’m not. 

There was a time, for several years after my divorce, when someone would ask me if I wanted a relationship and my standard reply was, “I don’t know.” When you don’t know what you want then you amble along going where ever the wind takes you. I ended up in a relationship that had no real direction or commitment and a job that was not leading to anywhere. After that, I decided to have a little sit down with myself. I needed to determine what I wanted in a career and relationship.

My signs today say, Construction Site because I am two classes from graduation with an MEd and I Want a Committed and Meaningful Relationship. Now, I only apply for jobs that align with my career goals. I don’t have any desire to spend my time in a job but does not line up with my career aspirations. As far as relationships are concerned, I am committed to start reading the signs and believing them without wasting days, months and definitely not years pretending I don’t know what the sign says.

Aside by

Hear ye hear ye 

it’s national poetry writing month. The goal is to write a poem a day. I’m not sure I can commit to that but I will write more than usual. 

I suddenly become aware of the silence

Ssshhhhh 

Listen

Now my mind is racing

My heart is pumping

What’s going on?

It’s too quiet

I walk cautiously through the house

Every step takes me closer to the unknown

As I peer around the corner, I see them

One is sitting on the counter

The other is sitting on the floor

They were finally successful

After many foiled attempts

They got into the cookie jar

— I will call this one, Toddlers—

National Poetry Writing Month

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15 Steps to Slowly and Torturously End a Relationship

My confession for today is I like to read. I read a lot of books and online articles. Every week there is a new article listing 6, 8, 10 or 15 steps to a successful relationship. They all list the same basic concepts like communicate, set aside alone time and keep the intimacy going. With the divorce rate being what it is and people in relationships not following all the wonderful advice readily available then perhaps they don’t want healthy relationships. Maybe they really want to practice a mild form of legal torture. If that’s the case, I’m here to assist you in your quest.

Any and all of these should work to drive a wedge between you and your partner. After doing these things continuously you should be able to end your relationship. Maybe.

1.) Be inconsiderate- show up late from work, miss the family get togethers, forget birthdays and anniversaries, throw your clothes on the floor, spill sticky things and don’t wipe them up. If they like going out to dinner, movies, horse races or traveling don’t do those activities with them. Refuse to watch their favorite TV show with them. If you do decided to participate in their favorite activities, consistently use your mobile devices and act annoyed.

2.) Withhold affection- the human touch brings about a chain of positive chemical reactions. Deny that special person any form of contact especially intimacy.

3.) While you are withholding affection you may as well withhold intimacy. That will definitely teach them a lesson or two. Treat this one like holding your breath, let’s see how long you can go before you pass out.

4.) Cheat- since you are withholding affection and not being intimate you may as well cheat. Don’t make it too obvious and don’t hide it too well. The point of these steps is to slowly end the relationship. When you get caught you have two options, blame or apologize. Blame the other person and tell them it’s their fault if they had just done or not done whatever then you would not have cheated. The other option is to apologize then keep cheating and keep getting caught.

5.) Stop communicating effectively- do not respond to text messages, don’t return phone calls, remain silent at dinner, and give short answers or very long answers, depending on the settings, to questions. Oh, keep telling that same story over and over and over again.

6.) Spend too much money- buy something elaborate with the money that’s being set aside for something else. Want some new golf clubs, spa day, poker night, a trip somewhere? Start marking things off of your bucket list.

7.) Complain then complain some more. No examples required…

8.) When you purchase gifts make sure it’s something they will hate or resent. One lady I know received a big screen TV for Mother’s Day. That doesn’t sound too bad, right? Her husband placed it in his man cave. Besides, she asked for a camera. If the gift is for a female purchase a clothing item that’s two sizes too small. Then, give a blank stare when the complaining starts. For that guy in your life, buy him tickets to something you know he’d hate but his mother or better yet your mother would love then set up the date. You can go to the spa while they are gone.

9.) Never have alone time- make sure you always have company over or pack your schedules with activities. At the end of the long exhausting day, put your pet or your child in the bed with you. This would also be a good time to tell that story again.

10.) Do not keep your word- remember the title of this  promises 15 steps? Well I’m only giving you 10. Feel free to change your mind at the last minute.

11.) I left off one- no, it’s not be inconsistent or flakey it’s don’t show up for court dates and quibble over every detail of the divorce decree. When your partner finally decides they have had enough, make leaving torture.

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She called him Pookie

She went on dates with one or two

Yet others she only spoke to on the phone

She referred to them as sweetheart 

Their names escaped her memory

She was only humoring them not really interested

Then she met him, if you want to call it that

They knew each from around the way

Sharing mutual friends and memories of days gone by

He was different 

So, she called him Pookie

Saying the name made her smile

Talking to him made her laugh

He wasn’t just another name to forget

She knew his first, middle and last

She could have referred to him as one of those

But instead, she called him Pookie

It didn’t fit him at all but that didn’t matter

What do you call a strong man?

How do you refer to a man with a heart of gold?

Which word describes a man of integrity?

She couldn’t think of one single word that adequately described him

So, she called him Pookie

 

 

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Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes I cry out of frustration
Other times I cry because my heart is hurting
Then there are the times I cry and laugh
Today I cried because it was time to say good-bye
I cry when life gets overwhelming
I often hear people say, “you are strong”
I’m only strong because I allow myself to cry
It’s the external manifestation of my current internal situation
The tears come when the numbers on the  barometer that measures the atmospheric pressure of my soul gets to high
Numerically speaking, when you multiply responsibility by tension then add negative relations
You get frustration
When frustration is divided by demands
It equals life
And life, in terms of numbers, is prime
When you divide it by its self, you only get one
At times I cry because some days, during this 1 life that I live, are filled with sorrow
But I will take this life and not covet any other
Because this life allows me to cry
If water is cleansing and refreshing
Then my tears cleanse my soul and refresh my spirit
Just a while ago, I said farewell to somebody who was dear to me
Today, was a day that I cried

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Excerpt from, A Real Life Drama

She was excited. He hadn’t asked her to go on a date in a while. Then, out of the blue, he asked her. Of course she said yes. It had been a long time since the two of them had spent time alone. They usually did everything as a family. He was big on family time. But he wanted to have dinner with her, alone. He was very casual in his approach. She tried not to show her surprise when he asked. He selected the restaurant. It didn’t matter that is was not her favorite place. He decided on the day. It didn’t matter that she would have had a long day at work. The only thing that mattered is they were spending time together. She was hoping they could talk and maybe laugh a little. They needed this time. It was important to her to build a solid relationship. After all, they were going to be in each other’s lives for a life time.

When they pulled up to the restaurant he got out of the car and opened her door. He was just that kind of guy. She never asked him too. He did it on his own. As they walked to the restaurant, she softly asked him, “is it okay if I hold your hand?” He’s not the affectionate type, at least not in public and rarely at home. He gave her the look. You know the one that says, “you are kidding me, right?” He asked her why he should hold her hand in public. She replied, because that’s what you do when you like someone and you’re on a date. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and started walking a little faster. She picked up her speed and grabbed hold to his arm. He didn’t pull away. She considered this a small victory. She silently prayed, “let my seven-year old find a wife who can look past his rough exterior to see his tender heart.”

(A date with the Stud Muffin)

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What it boils down to

How many times have you heard the phrase, what it boils down to? I cook and watch my fair share of cooking shows. What it boils down to is what’s left when the liquids are removed or greatly reduced by cooking them out. Think of cooking rice or making a sauce. What’s left in the pot at the end of the process?

I had the opportunity to speak with another mom recently who had a marriage similar to mine and whose husband fit the description of mine. We have been divorced about the same amount of time as well. As a matter of fact 3/18 is my 4th anniversary. The way custody worked out this year, our ex husbands had the children for spring break. I took the time to refresh myself by sleeping, reading and sleeping some more. I would often sit without tv or music playing. The noise level for the Fantastic4 can get pretty high. I learned to let go of any anxiety and enjoy the time. She spent the time being distraught and stressed.

When I spoke with her yesterday she commented several times how difficult it was to have her children gone for so long. I get it, mine are gone as well. I listened. I let her vent. I let her cry. Then I said to her, what this boils down to is your trust in God. Either you trust him or you don’t. Once you make that decision then you move forward with your actions.

If you don’t trust or believe in him then your next action is to find the strength within to make some changes. She had already said she was weak. Then find the strength using outside sources. However, one of the things she told me is she is a Christian. If that’s true then she has put her trust in him.

I’m not saying trusting a being that you can’t see is easy. No, I’m not saying that at all. But if you decided to trust and believe then trust and believe.

When I was going through my time of adjusting to my babies spending a week or even a month with their dad, I was anxious and nervous. I had been a stay at home mom and the primary caretaker for the kids. I prepared 99% of all their meals and I was the person who did all the housework. He had never taken all four kids out of the house at the same time. How was this ever going to work? They needed me. I admit I didn’t sleep well initially. I was anxious. I was fearful. I had vented to friends. Then finally I said (interpret, cried out) to God, I know you love these children more than I ever could. Please, protect and provide for them while they are out of my care and out of my sight. Letting go isn’t always easy. I don’t have a five or ten step plan that I can outline for you. I know part of the process is surrendering your thoughts and trusting things will work out for good. Its realizing you can’t control or maniputlate the situation. It’s believing good things will come. I guess I had a three step plan.

When it boiled down to it, my faith and trust in God is what was left. It’s not an easy process for some of us. But eventually after you’ve done all you can, when you’ve prayed, cried, worried, lost sleep, sought professional help, vented to friends; you stand. Stand on your faith. Trust God. He cares for you. Everything may not look the way we want it to all the time. Living in a state of despair, if you’re a Christian, boils down to a lack of trust. Even in the midst of the pain and despair, trust him.

If you’re not a Christian and you’ve continued to read, believe things will get better, make things better, change your actions and your thoughts. I believe it all boils down to the same thing.