Tag Archives: humor

by

How to become a successful procrastinator

As a budding procrastinator you are reading all the books, articles and blogs you can get your hands on to keep from doing whatever you are slated to do at the moment. I am offering tips on how to procrastinate successfully. If you follow these 5 simple steps you will become and remain a successful procrastinator. I would offer a money back guarantee but chances are you never got around to making a payment anyway. BTW, I reserve the right to add more tips or less tips depending on whether or not I get distracted and start doing something else or if I want to continue avoiding what I am supposed to do right now.

1.) Always put off today’s tasks until tomorrow or another day.
2.) Don’t write anything down. Rely heavily on your memory.
3.) Spend all of your free time on your blog, Facebook, pintrest or watching television.
4.) Buy lots of home improvement items and leave them propped against a wall.
5.) Read everything except the one thing you are supposed to read.
6.) Text your friends and family telling them all the things you are supposed to accomplish but don’t have time.
7.) Wait until the next holiday or event to start you new project, goal or life change.

If you need support we have a group meeting that occurs every Thursday night at the local library. There are lots of distractions there, it is heaven for a true procrastinator. You always thought all those people were there reading and researching something when in all actuality they are procrastinators successfully avoiding something. Nobody will look for you there, make it your place of refuge from the tasks and duties waiting for you.

by

When Mr. Wright is actually Mr. Wrong

As I was describing my date to a friend, she said, “excuse me while I remove the mic from my face” and commenced to laugh very loud for an extended period of time.
I’m glad I’m not easily offended.
The first time I saw him, I thought, he’s not bad-looking, he has all of his teeth, he’s clean and is well-groomed. We talked and laughed for hours. Within the first hour he asked me to marry him. I told him I needed to meet his mother first. He called her on his cell phone. She and I chatted about the holidays, what she was cooking and how to download music on an iPod. He and I exchanged numbers before I left.
A couple of days later, he sent me a text message asking me out on a date. (first flag) **Side note, I am trying to become more progressive but I really am old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I like my doors opened, I’m okay with him paying and I would prefer a phone call if you want to ask me out. Honestly, I would not allow honeygirl to go on a date with a guy who would not verbally ask her. The standard remains the same, forget progressive.**
The event itself was fine. He took me to a friend’s sister’s house for an intimate Christmas party. The party consisted of all of her close friends and me. Never one to turn away from a potentially awkward situation, I embraced the moment and turned on my social charm. He introduced me to everyone he knew as his fiancé. (1/2 flag, it was kind of funny) I soon left his side and began to talk with the other guests. All in all, I had a great time, talked with most of the other guests, heard some funny stories and considered it two hours well spent.
Mr. Wright told me on the drive back that I received an endorsement from one of the guests who described me as grounded, nice and a good catch. Special shout out to Mr. Oil and Gas and his lovely wife, Mrs. Oil and Gas.
I called my friend after dropping off Mr. Wright to discuss the date and for her to keep me company as I drove. I proceeded to tell her about the date and said I saw some red flags. I went on to tell her about the return ride conversation. He described the hostess and her friends as young and pretentious. The he said, I knew you would fit in, that’s why I invited you. (flag, did he just call me pretentious?) Let’s see if I can remember his next words. “Who cares about a degree? They aren’t worth the paper they are printed on most of the time!” (flag, I’m pretty sure I told him I was working on a Masters in education)
As we were approaching his final destination, I allowed him to listed to a live recording of my poem, I’m Better Than That. Let it sink in Mr. Wright. Let it sink in.

by

Another true story

A friend of mine met a guy while she was shopping in a superstuffmart one day. This guys seemed nice enough after a few phone conversations and textations (I know it’s not an official word but the way a word becomes official is when a person starts to use it and it catches on. Who would have thought bootylicious would have made it to the dictionary?) therefore, she agreed to go out with him. He told her to wear a pretty dress on the date. She obliged. She carefully planned her outfit for the date. As they made final arrangements, he told her to meet him at IHOP. She thought, this must be the meeting place and then they are going to the real restaurant that must be hard to find.
Here is an excerpt from one of my newer poems that is based on this true story.
The title of the poem is, I’m Better Than That

When he looks at you and says you are beautiful
When he says I get lost in your eyes
Or your smile brightens up a room
Then says let me take you to dinner meet me at IHOP
Say I’m better than that

My friend doesn’t have a problem with going to IHOP but not on a first date after being asked to wear a pretty dress.

by

I was talking to a friend one day…

School zone

We were discussing how school was going for the kids. Her daughter and my daughter are bff’s and have been since kindergarten. Anyway, she was telling me that her two children were walking home from school and she had instructed her daughter to call her as soon as she left the school. The mom said she was worried the first day of school because she didn’t get a call when school let out. Just as she was about to leave work to see what happened, she received a call. Her daughter had made it home safely. However, the instructions were for her to call her as soon as she walked out of the building. The next day, they went over the instructions again. Once again, her daughter called her when she was home. Frustrated, the mom sat her daughter down and went over the instructions again. The next day was the same as the previous two days. Finally, the mom asked her why she wasn’t following the instructions to call as soon as she left the building. The daughter replied, the sign says no cell phones in the school zone.
I laughed out loud the first time I heard this and I still smile when I think about the conversation.
Yes, it is a true story.